(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, darling.

(SIGHS) Oh, God, sweetie, what a day.

What a day I've had, sweetie, darling.

Darling, darling, sweetie.

I have been at work since I left here this morning.

Want some lunch?

No, I've had lunch.

I had a four-course sit-down at the studio.

The studio, sweetie, the studio.

The studio, darling.

Action, lights, camera.

What have you been doing?

-Pop-Specs ad.

-What?

Well, you know, I represent Pop-Specs, darling.

We're doing a new ad.

We're up-marketing the image.

What are Pop-Specs?

What are Pop-Specs?

Are you dead?

Are you dead?

These are them.

These are them.

Look, darling, these are Pop-Specs.

They're great.

Look.

It pops in and out, you see, darling.

See that one?

Here's another one, darling.

Here, look.

Schizophrenia.

-They're fantastic.

-How can you up-market those?

Patsy has agreed to put them in a fashion shoot for her magazine, and there's a new ad, darling.

New ad, sweetie, which was mainly my idea.

My original idea.

It's very clever.

Oh, God.

It better bloody work.

Otherwise, you know, my company is gonna be left with one minor department store, two student designers, Smudgibars and Lulu paying for your upkeep, darling.

And Lulu is like that, sweetie.

You could show a little enthusiasm, you know.

Mum, why should I be happy that you're going to spend thousands of pounds...

Hundreds of thousands of pounds.

...persuading people to buy some cheap bit of plastic junk that they don't even want?

Don't know they want yet, sweetie.

It's the only difference.

That will then be thrown away in a matter of months once the novelty wears off, and will sit around polluting the planet.

Oh.

That's it, is it?

That's it, is it?

Can I show you, can I show you something sweetie?

Can I show you something on this?

Look at that.

What do you think that is there?

What's that?

It's a sticker with a green tree on it.

Yes.

What does that mean?

Kind to trees, sweetie.

-(DOOR BUZZES) -Oh.

-How are they kind to trees?

-Hmm?

Well, they ain't made of wood.

How kind do you want?

-What a day.

What a long, tedious day.

-Edina: Oh, God...

It's two o'clock.

I've been at work all day as well, Pats.

Well, you're a fool.

Still, heigh-ho.

Now have you sorted Marrakesh?

Have you telephoned Humphrey?

Yeah, yeah.

We can stay in his villa.

Fantastic.

-Marrakesh?

-Edina: Hmm.

Why are you going to Marrakech?

Oh, for the fashion shoot, sweetie.

Why do you have to go there?

Oh, God, who are you?

Magnus Magnusson all of a sudden?

"Hand on buzzers."

"I don't know."

"Pass."

Just because, alright?

No, Eddy, Eddy.

Not just because.

This is my job.

I mean, these things aren't just chosen at random.

Yeah, no, no, yeah.

It's supposed to be really beautiful out there.

Well, you know, darling.

We spent all those Christmases out there, don't you remember, when you were a child?

You never took me, you always left me here with Gran.

Well, you got the postcards, didn't ya?

I'm studying the indigenous people of that particular region of Northern Africa for my anthropology module at college this term.

-Do you want some Bolli, darling?

-Yeah, just a smidge.

It would be really great to be able to go there and study.

Study?

You don't go Marrakesh to study, darling.

No, you don't.

There's a lot of reasons to go to Marrakesh, and studying is not one of them, sweetie.

I mean, you go to Marrakesh, you go for, I don't know, drugs, dirt-cheap plates and rugs.

Yeah, easy-going sex with -gorgeous underaged youths.

-Edina: Yeah.

Sex changes, wasn't it, Pats?

Well, not now anyway.

Not now anyway.

Still, darling, you don't go there to study some ingenious peasants for an anthology molecule.

That's not the reason.

It would really help me with my course.

No, no, no.

What?

-Well, Mum-- -No, Eddy.

-What?

-No to whatever she's gonna say.

-Edina: Wh-wh-what-- -I'm talking to my mother.

-Just say no, Eddy.

-Well, what?

-Just tell her no, Eddy.

-Please!

-Well, I don't understand.

-Let me go to Morocco.

-No!

-Well, why not?

Let her go to Morocco.

We're going to Marrakesh.

That is Morocco, Mum.

This little scab from hell is trying to slime her way onto our trip, and we don't want her, Eddy.

-But, Mum!

-Don't you, "But, Mum" her!

(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY) (SCREAMS) (EXCLAIMING) -Oh, just do whatever you want.

-Eddy!

But as your mother, I cannot be held responsible for your wellbeing, alright?

If you come with us, you're on your own.

Saffy: Ow!

She burned me with her cigarette.

Accident.

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪ ♪ No, no, no, no, there's no limit-- ♪ Bubble.

Bubble.

Bubble.

Bubble.

Now listen, darling, please.

I need to sort out the Pop-Specs business before I go-- Mum, we're going to be late.

Have you switched everything off upstairs?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-I'll check.

Quick, let's go before she gets back.

No, stay, stay, stay.

Now listen, darling, you've gotta get the information and figures and things, by next week, alright?

-Yeah?

-Yeah, it's right here.

(GASPS) -Car's here.

-You left the shower and some bubbling mush on.

That's bikini wax, darling.

It was for you, unless you're happy with those sideburns on your inner thighs.

Come on, let's go.

She's not traveling club, is she?

No, darling, I put her into economy.

Practically cargo.

Now, you have got the information, haven't you?

Most of it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Until the special thing broke.

-Saffy: Mum!

-Hang on, hang on.

What thing?

The thing that's attached to the typewriter.

Little animal with a ball.

What animal?

Little animal.

Small.

Creeps about.

Not a rat.

-A gerbil.

-Squirrel?

Hedgehog?

-No, don't panic or we'll never get anywhere.

-(SQUEALS) No!

No!

What?

What?

-A mouse.

-Yeah!

The mouse.

-That's got a telly with VD.

-Alright, the VD...

The VDU.

The word processor.

Yeah.

That fell off the table -when I took the mouse home.

-Oh.

Eddy, get rid of her.

I'm running to a very tight schedule.

I've got customs carnet and a meeting in the Club Class cocktail lounge in 40 minutes.

Hang on, hang on, I'm coming.

This is important.

You broke the computer?

-Yeah.

-When?

Who can say?

Now listen, you bloody, brainless bimbo, I need this client.

And I don't need some bollocky vegetable yankee-bloody-doodle to mess it up for me, alright?

She's talking to you.

-Oh!

-Just go, just go, just go.

Saffy: Have you got everything?

Edina: Yes, yes.

Got everything.

Tickets!

Money!

Passport!

Tickets!

Money!

Passport!

Where is the photographic equipment?

Patsy: God, where's the Pop-Specs bag?

Where's the luggage?

(MUMBLING) I am sorry.

The equipment must have gone to Tangiers.

The rest, I don't know.

(SIGHS) Pop-Specs!

Got it.

Got it... Mum, that's my bag.

-Unclaimed.

-Mum!

Help Mummy, darling.

It's alright.

It's alright, Ed.

Just give me your hand.

Oh, leave it to them.

They can sort it out.

(SIGHS) Take that look off your face.

I've got enough stuff in here you can borrow.

-I'd rather wear a yashmak.

-That can be arranged.

Let's just get in the cab and just go, sweetie.

Now prepare yourself for the heat.

You're not used to it.

-Wake up, Mum, we're here.

-(HORN HONKS) Edina: Where?

I'm never going out again.

Never.

Saffy: Shut up.

Come on.

-Shower.

-Anyone seen Humphrey?

Humphrey est here?

Humphrey est here?

-Thank you, darling.

-Patsy: Hmm.

Blup-blup-blup-blup.

Want some of this, darling?

-Do you want some of this, sweetie?

-No, thank you.

Go on.

Go on.

It's legal here.

So you can't disapprove.

Come on, go on.

In fact, it's compulsory, darling.

They'll bust you for not having one of these dangling out of your mouth around here.

I mean, look, we've only been here an hour and already Patsy's got some stuff.

No, actually, I brought these with me, Eddy.

Edina: Oh.

Mm-hmm.

(EDINA MOANS) (SNICKERING) Ah, this is the life, eh, Eddy?

Yeah, this is the life.

God, it's all coming back to me now, you know.

The noise, the smell.

Yeah, it's like everything's on heat.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-(LAUGHS) Remember that sofa and those tiles?

-Those tiles.

-Oh, gorgeous.

Do you know something?

You can't get those tiles in Fired Earth for love nor money anymore.

I mean, even in Holland Park, darling.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous.

And over here they're just hanging around on people's walls.

-Even on peasants' walls.

-Edina: Yeah, yeah.

Sweetie, we dragged these people screaming into the 20th century.

We gave them all the mod cons, darling.

We gave them the, the non-squat toilet.

Toilet tissue, darling.

I mean, how'd you think they used to wipe their bottoms before we came along, hmm, hmm, hmm?

Old bits of hoof.

(CHUCKLES) Now they can't even be bothered, sweetie, to send us a few cracked old craft tiles.

Well, I'm fed up with it.

Really, I'm fed up with it.

Are you gonna change?

Are you gonna change?

I haven't got anything.

I thought Patsy offered you the shoot clothes?

Didn't she?

Well, as long as she shaves her scabby armpits.

And doesn't sweat over everything.

-I'll wash these.

-Oh, wash these.

Got your travel-wash with you, have you?

Your travel wash?

Well, if you could try and look a little less like a Christian missionary, I'm sure we'd all be a lot safer.

They're all Muslim 'round here, you know, darling.

(PATSY SIGHS) (SIGHS) Wow.

-Darling, look at those stars.

-Yeah.

I mean, It's like talcum powder, isn't it?

Yeah, it's like it just goes on forever or something like that... -Oh.

Shooting star.

-Where?

-Where, where, where, where, where, where?

-No, no-- No, it's-- No, it's gone.

Say it quicker.

Next time you see it, just say it quicker.

Saffy: Mum!

Mum, help me!

Oh, God.

Saffy: Mum!

Help me!

-Mum!

-What's happening?

She's being humped by some laundry.

Humphrey.

Darling.

Good Lord, I didn't see you there.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

-That's alright.

-It's only Saffy.

-Humphrey.

Oh, Pat, sorry, I just had a couple of drinks and from behind-- It's the only way she'll ever stand a chance.

-I'm very embarrassed.

-That's okay, really.

I hope you didn't think I was some sort of dirty old man.

Not at all.

Oh, good.

Because that would never do.

I say, you're like your mother.

Hmm.

A Bordeaux.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Thank you, Yentob.

Now... Would you like to try a little local specialty?

Oh, yes, I'd love to.

Well, you take a pot of scented honey mixed with goat cheese yogurt, sprinkled with almonds from the Atlas Mountains.

You spread it all over your naked, nubile, young body, and allow a man old enough to be your father to lick it off.

Just like her mother.

Tease, tease, tease.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Edina: You alright, sweetie?

-Yeah.

Edina: Hmm?

Are you feeling alright, darling?

You alright?

Eat up your cake.

Eat up your little cake.

Go on, sweetie.

(SIGHS) You know, I'm sorry you got off to such a bad start with Humphrey, darling, but he's really very nice, you know.

He's really a good chap.

-Then... -Cigar, old man?

Oh, thanks, old boy.

Edina: Of course, you know, sweetie, when we first came here, it was so beautiful.

Just like a little, little tiny little oasis, darling, here.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Yeah, with, like, a town.

You'll find a couple of quite decent -five-star international hotels... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-...and a Jacuzzi.

-Oh, yeah.

And, and an airport.

Edina: Yeah, alright, alright, alright.

I was trying to be poetic, but...

I'm studying the indigenous population of the area.

The tribes.

You won't find any of them left.

The Guinnesses, the Thiessens, all gone.

Visits from Princess Margaret are just a distant memory.

-I meant the Berbers.

-Humphrey: Berbers.

I don't remember them.

Perhaps they're an American couple.

I think I met them at a cocktail party.

You see, the reason people came here no longer exists.

I mean, you can get everything you've got here anywhere else much cheaper.

Yeah.

Safer, eh, Pats?

-Saffy: What?

-Edina: Huh?

(CLASSICAL ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) -Come on, darling, sing.

-Humphrey: Yes, come on, Pat, old chap.

Edina: Come on, let's... Let's do that Sonny and Cher number.

-Edina and Patsy: ♪ They say... ♪ -(PLAYS NOTE, OFF-KEY) Hang on, I'll just get this chord right.

♪ They say... ♪ -No, that's not it.

-Edina: No, no.

I feel like a brandy, Pat, old chap.

Shall we leave the girls to it?

Alright.

Let's do that, old boy.

Humphrey: Hmm.

Mum, what was Patsy?

(SIGHS) Don't worry, darling.

It was only for a year and then it fell off.

Mum, I think I'm going to be sick.

(PANTING) Help me.

(MUEZZIN CALLING FOR PRAYERS) Edina: How are you feeling?

You alright?

-Patsy: I'm feeling good, babe.

-Edina: Hmm.

Edina: Seen Saffy this morning?

Patsy: Little toad.

I don't think you need to worry, darling.

I don't think she'll remember anything about last night.

Edina: Oh, shush.

Here she comes.

Here she comes.

(SIGHS) Hey, sweetie.

Darling, did you find the swimsuits?

Haven't you got any low-cut ones?

No, I haven't got any knee-length swimsuits, darling.

Have you got cream on, Mum?

Olive oil.

Want some?

Want some?

No?

I think I might have a swim first.

Alright, sweetie.

Come on, take this off.

Take this off.

Nobody's looking at you, darling.

Quite big... Mum.

Well, you should have a wax, darling.

That "delapidatory" cream is no good at all.

I thought we were going to have a look around.

You can't just sit by the pool all day.

We could be anywhere.

I'm not moving.

Darling, we just need to be recharged by a little bit of luxury after our journey.

Don't we?

You deserve it.

And what about all the shopping you wanted to get in?

Shopping?

We should.

Yes, Patsy.

We should go shopping.

Oh, I think so.

Before you know it, I mean, they'll have found the bloody equipment and we'll have to do some work or something.

We should go.

I wish you'd cover yourself up, Mum.

Darling, these people don't mind.

Now, I've gotta get some jewelry boxes, um, bowls, plates, rugs... What about you, Pats?

I'm just gonna get some little gorgeous things.

We should've got a guide.

Oh, stop it.

I know this place, darling.

I know these people.

(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) Patsy: Don't start buying anything yet.

We're not in the proper souk.

Edina: Yeah.

What are they all looking at?

What are they all looking at?

-They're looking at you.

-Well, I know they're looking at me, darling.

I don't really think I would care about that.

You're never gonna see any of these people ever again in your whole life.

-Stare.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

-You're asking for trouble.

Stare!

Stare!

You see, that's quite nice, isn't it, that?

But, I mean, that's two a penny in Liberty basement, darling.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) One of those, sort of, you know, caftan things that the women wear.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

That's just a pile of crap.

Do you like this down here?

It's so touristy now, isn't it?

I know.

It has changed rather a lot.

Ridiculous, darling.

It used to be so chic down here.

(GASPS) Mum, that man pinched me.

Darling, don't worry.

He's obviously very old and completely blind.

He didn't pinch me.

No, you pinch me.

No one's pinched me yet.

I don't want the bracelets, darling.

You can get those two for a penny at Liberty.

No!No!

(SCREAMS) Sweetie, darlings.

Someone's put an insect on my hand!

I'm starving now.

Saffy: Do you know what starving means?

I'm hungry!

I'm starving, alright?

I'm starving.

Saffy: Stop moaning.

Can we go to the hotel and get a drink, sweetie?

They don't have any bars or anything.

-There's only bars in... -Where's Patsy?

EDINA: Should be in the shop with all the dried-up things.

Hmm, should feel at home then.

Edina: Sweetie, shall we go to the hotel and get a nice drink?

-Yeah, that'll be nice.

-Edina: A bit of gin.

If you were starving, you'd eat this.

Sweetie, if they took the face off, I'd eat it.

I know where it is.

We go through these couple of little stalls here.

Let's go through this thing here, darling.

Just here, darling.

Saffy: You sure?

Edina: Well, I don't know, do I?

You just wanna hold your nose, darling.

Meat.

What's over there, darling?

Can you see?

Saffy: Mum, people keep taking things.

Darling, we're going over here.

Over there.

Patsy: I would, Eddy, if I could see where I was going... Oh, come on and stop bloody moaning.

...and not having to forever be trailing behind this little insect.

Saffy: Shut up.

(SIGHS) Where is Saff?

What have you done with Saff?

Saff?

Saff?

Eddy.

A couple of hours.

She'll be alright.

The filth, the stench, the heat.

I mean, that's the, that's the last time I ever set foot in the toilet bowl of Northern Africa.

I mean, how, how dare they spit at me?

A nation that has a, a pillowcase with a slit in it as a national costume.

Eddy, look, we're back here with clean things, clean air.

-Oh!

-Lovely peace and quiet.

Lovely gin and tonic.

Yeah, yeah.

Gin and tonic.

(SIGHS) I know, but I just...

I somehow, I just...

I just don't think you should've sold Saffy like that.

What do you mean like that?

It wasn't just like that.

I had to haggle 'em up.

I got a good exchange rate.

-What did you get?

-One sour-faced little ditch rat for 2,000 dirham.

And, darling, she said she wanted to see -how the real people lived.

-Edina: Yeah.

I don't think the white slave trade was quite what she had in mind.

Oh, she'll be alright.

She'll be alright, won't she?

I mean, it's not as if she enjoyed a normal life anyway, is it really?

No.

I mean it might bring something out in her.

She might just live in painful servitude for the rest of her life.

Oh, well, I mean, nothing is certain.

Not for any of us.

-Cheers, Eddy.

-Cheers.

(MEN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) For madame.

...oiselle.

Mademoiselle.

(MUMBLES) I'll overlook it this time.

Oh-oh-huh.

Patsy Stone.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Are you sure?

Oh.

Goddamn.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

Bad news, darling?

Yeah, it appears the equipment has turned up.

They wanna shoot this afternoon.

I've gotta meet them by this wall.

I don't have to come, do I?

If you want your Crap-O-Specs to appear in high-class, glossy print.

-Hmm?

-(BOTH SIGH) Have you eaten something?

No.

Not since 1973.

(CLASSIC ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) This is the wall.

I recognize it from the photograph.

MAN: I have to go to see some other people.

Vogue are shooting further up in the mountains.

-Vogue?

-Yeah.

And they have to arrange catering for a movie that is shooting here too.

-EDINA: Oh, what movie?

-Life of Jesus Christ II.

Who is Jesus these days?

Uh, Charles Dance.

I'll come back and check you're okay later.

Um, no, no.

Go away and don't bother to come back.

Just go, and don't come back.

Are you sure?

He's working for Vogue, Eddy.

We don't want him hanging around.

Have you seen the way all these children are dressed, darling?

I mean why is it, in the hottest countries of the world, they put them all in these old little woolly jumpers?

You'd think Gap would have spotted the hole in the market.

Look at them.

I mean, a population that's crying out for good quality, reasonably-priced kids' casuals.

Oh, shut up, Eddy.

I don't think they're coming, Pats.

I need a loo.

What are we gonna do?

Ugh.

Bastards.

Eddy, I-I really need to go to the loo now.

Let's just go and find a hotel or a cafe or something and you can phone, and I'll go to the loo.

There must be a center of town somewhere up here.

Order some champagne, darling.

Just don't know why you're so inhibited now, I mean... Why not just go at the side of the bloody road, darling?

I mean, the gutter is alright for you in London, isn't it?

I mean, you go in the gutter in rush hour traffic in front of a whole party of your friends, but, no, you're not gonna dig a hole and just go here now?

Hmm?

(GRUNTS) Some-somewhere over there, somewhere.

God, it's... Edina: I mean, this place is enough to make you want to call Sting.

Patsy: Look, we'll just, we'll just take what we need and we can just dump the suitcase.

For God's sake, we're gonna be eating each other in an hour.

We're not gonna worry about luggage.

(SIGHS) -Now, which way do we go?

-Patsy: Oh, I don't know.

We'll just follow a donkey, darling.

It must be going somewhere.

There's a donkey.

Excuse me.

I think I'm gonna faint.

What is that smell?

I don't know.

I think...

I think it's fish.

(CLASSIC ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) Ow.

What's the matter now, darling?

When is my turn on the donkey?

Now, you said by the time we got here -it'd be my turn.

-I'm not moving.

What's the matter with you anyway?

(GROANS) Just don't question me.

God.

Okay, we're gonna go in here.

Patsy: Ooh, Ed.

(SIGHS) Oh.

There's no bell.

Hello?

Hello?

Have you got a... Have you got a toilet pour la madame?

Mademoiselle.

...moiselle.

(PATSY GROANS) Can you not just go in a hole somewhere?

(SIGHS) Go on, Eddy.

Over there.

-Come on.

-Edina: Alright, I'm trying.

Just let me do the talking, sweetie, this time.

Ho-hotel?

Hotel pour la madame?

Hotel?

Patsy: Oh, he's gonna... Edina: He could be a mass murderer for all we know.

Patsy: No...

Here?

Are you kidding?

Patsy: Well, this must be it.

Edina: Oh, God.

-Patsy: Well, it looks fine, actually.

-Edina: Ugh.

Patsy: Now, stop moaning, Eddy.

-It looks good.

-Edina: No, I can't stay here.

Patsy: Ed, it's lovely.

Just... just let me in here.

-Edina: No!

-Patsy: Let me in... Oh, God.

Go now.

I'm just gonna do this, darling.

Never know.

Conran might want that, darling.

Oh!

Bloody donkey's gone.

(INAUDIBLE) It was my turn on the bloody donkey.

Oh.

God.

(CLASSICAL ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING) Saffy: Mum!

PATSY: Damn!

(EDINA SOBBING) Oh, darling.

Sweetie!

Saffy: Where did you go?

We've found you, darling.

-Pats.

-(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yeah, fantastic.

Edina: Oh.

Darling.

Darling... (LAUGHS) Well, what bad luck.

It was a joke.

I didn't think anyone would be idiot enough to take you.

What a terrible holiday it's been so far.

-It wasn't a holiday, Eddy.

-Not a holiday.

Not a holiday.

I haven't got any Pop-Specs photos, any merchandise, any of the shopping.

The only thing I was in danger of sleeping with was a donkey, and even he did a runner.

You must have a good time in your few final days.

You must see the real Marrakesh.

Everything from sabre-wielding horsemen to the Elizabeth Taylor Caftan Museum.

(INAUDIBLE) I'll read from the brochure, "Marrakesh is an Elysium all of its own.

"Wickedly grinning old men, ready to haggle for hour after hour."

(CONTINUES READING INDISTINCTLY) (INAUDIBLE) (SOFTLY) Well, I want to know, I'm your mother.

(CONTINUES READING INDISTINCTLY) Oh, you've got no end of treats in store.

You'll be treated like film stars.

Like Ava Gardner and, um... companion.

Ah, Yentob... (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Now, enjoy, enjoy.

I have to go and see a camel about a hump.

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING) Oh, God.

Did I fall asleep here, darling?

Oh, damn.

Wake up, Pats, wake up, darling.

Oh.

Let's catch up on a bit of luxury, sweetie.

Oh.

Oh, I'm gonna have some breakfast and sit by the pool or something.

We've got to go, it's Friday.

Patsy: Friday?

You've been unconscious for three days.

(GASPS) Both: No!

What's that smell?

(SNIFFING) What's that smell?

Is that you, sweetie?

That sort of... -(SNIFFING) -Honey, yogurty smell?

-Is that you?

-Mum!

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)